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Single Parent Dating - Who Comes First, Your Kids Or Your Partner? PDF Print E-mail
Written by Courtney Okara   
Friday, 23 October 2009 18:11

I'm working my way through the book The Rules of Love by Richard Templar. In it, Templar outlines what he feels are the rules everyone must follow in order to find and keep a happy romantic  relationship. Some of his rules are contentions, but none more so (in my opinion) than #46 - Your Partner Is More Important Than Your Kids.

More important, you say? Tell that to the hundreds of thousands of single parents around the world today, and see what their reaction is. I'll hazard most of them would blanch at this suggestion, much less agree with it. And frankly, the first thing that came to mind for me when I read #46 was a horrible story where a single parent did rank their partner over their kids: a woman - whose boyfriend was in jail for stalking her and uttering threats - was told by one of her children that they didn't like said boyfriend. The Mom in turn defended the boyfriend's actions, saying he was a good, solid man. Not the best of thought processes for sure, but I'll hazard many single parents think of a similar type of situation when discussing who has priority in their lives.

As I read Templar's rule however, I softened a bit. He wasn't saying that single parents dating  shouldn't spend less time with their kids. Rather, he says that a single parent's children will take up the brunt of one's time. I quote:

"... it's crucial that your partner is the primary focus of your life, even while your responsibility and time commitment to the children is greater. I'm not saying you should love them best because there's enough love for everyone and it's a very different kind of love. But never lose sight of the fact that having children at home is temporary (albeit long term temporary) whereas your partner is for life."

Templar is obviously speaking of folks who have made a lifelong commitment  to one another. But I'm not sure if what he's suggesting should apply to everyone... or maybe he has a point. Should our partners - once we've hit that magical dating period where the kids are involved and everyone's lives are deeply intertwined - be our #1 focus to keep a dating relationship burning bright? Or are the rules of love not the same as the rules of dating? 

Opinions Poll Results

Kay Abayomi says: I enjoyed reading this post! I see where Templar is coming from but like you, I’m not sure I totally agree with his thought process. Maybe for singles who have older children this advice would work; but I’m sure most single parents with young children would agree that their little ones come first.

Kevin Okoye says: I have to agree. If I was still married to my kids’ mom, then that relationship would come first and I think it would be healthy for the kids to see that.

But, as a single parent, the priorities change. IN the end, my kids come first – they still need me more. That doesn’t mean I don’ work hard to juggle kids, work and other relationships. Or that any time one of my kids speaks up it would trump what I’m doing with someone I’m dating. When I’m dating other single parents, I admit that it is tough to realize that underneath it all, I would not be the top priority.

Rita H Modi says: It’s very difficult for a man to date a woman who has small children. If she is a devoted mother who attends to her children…

how does she find time to invest in a relationship with a man who does not live with her? It’s hard to build a relationship on every other weekend. Or the man has to embrace being around her children often and early on in the formation of the relationship. Not an easy thing…

 


 
FOR KICKS - REALITY - Racial Profiling PDF Print E-mail
Written by Ify-Asia   
Monday, 29 June 2009 22:07

Somewhere in London, a charcoal black man was howling at a chalky white policeman for racist act. You are a racist he screamed at the top of his voice You discriminated against me because Im black He was agitated, almost pouncing on the mortified and terrified policeman who was very apologetic and trying to keep the aggrieved man from attracting attentions.

No! This must stop The black man continued I drive a Mercedes and you stopped me because a black man is not supposed to own a Mercedes He was raving and jumping all over the place. The policeman was trying his best to explain to him that he didnt see the colour before he stopped him, but the presumed victim had a bigger and more impressive voice that drowned that of the policeman, besides he had a case that could make an interesting topic.

Soon a small crowd gathered and one onlooker happened to be a civil right activist and the matter escalated from a curbside affair to a national issue to be rallied about. A protest march was declared and one thousand protesters turned up and T.V. networks transmitting the show. Mr. Akidi, a Nigerian visitor in London became a civil right hero overnight, he was invited for television talk shows and gave speeches in conferences where several people turned up to hear him. He was on his way.

There was this famous speech he gave, during one of his rallies that nearly moved me to tears but I was wise enough not to cry for such trash. The speech was like this:
My fellow humans in this planet earth, we are here today not to show off how serious we are on racial issues, but how deeply we care about our fellow human. Many of us have experienced racial discrimination and it was never a sweet experience. How do we kill such evil among us, where man is judged and punished for the colour of his skin? I am a Nigerian, visiting London several times in a month and own a house here, I wish to be respected for the good man I am and the legal businesses I bring to this country. I dont want to be harassed everyday because I am black. Today I join& Mr. Akidi was fantastic with his speech, he became popular, even the British government was willing to listen and work with him towards solving some of their racial problems.

Mr. Akidi formed a movement and named it People against Racism (PAR) and was soon a household name among the minority blacks and colored ones too, even among whites that found activism an interesting pass time.

Two years later, he came home to Nigeria, his daughter was getting married.
Adeze, the apple of her fathers eyes was excited about her coming marriage to her heart throb. That day was for the introductory rite, her man was coming with his people to formally bid for her hand in marriage according to

Igbo custom. The ceremony was successful, her father asked the suitors to come back for an answer in two weeks time in consonant with tradition.
One week later, Mr. Akidi had discovered something about his intending son-in-law which he didnt like and actually shocked him. The boy was an Osu, an outcast.
Mr. Akidi summoned his daughter and had a private talk with her, telling her out rightly that she was not going to marry an Osu, an abomination in that part of Igbo land.

My daughter he said It is an age long abomination to marry an Osu, an outcast, in our land. We are freeborn and cannot associate with those types of people not to talk of marrying them, we are not supposed to even talk with them or eat with them or allow them to stay in the same house with us. These people are like that because their blood have been tainted for ages, their ancestors were slaves during the wars of old, or were gifts to the idols or people that took refuge with the oracle, they are children of the oracles or slaves bound to the oracles. No, my daughter you cant marry such a man, there are freeborn like us, you can marry one them He finished with a sigh.

And if I do? Apple of his eyes retorted

There will be real problems for us, we will be ostracized like them Akidi replied solemnly. Adeze stood up, her father thought she was going to burst into hysterical cries but the naughty girl just looked into her fathers eyes and said coldly Papa, you are a civil right activist in London, fighting men that maltreated their own people in their own country which is none of your business to begin with. You strut about and make stupid speeches there because they cared to listen to your garbage. Here in your own country, you commit worse crime by calling a fellow human an outcast as if you created him. What morale justification do you have to fight racial discrimination? Look papa, Im going to marry Nnanna, whether Osu or no Osu. If you as much as bat an eyelid, I will expose you to those London people for the fraud you are. She hissed for special effect and stomped out of the room.

Mr. Akidi was flabbergasted, only the four dumb walls heard him ask What the hell have I gotten myself into?

Personal Opinion

a case of the kettle calling the pot black. Racism is better said than done. It exists among us!
i.e yoruba-igbo-hausa.


 
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